...Jemima...

chasingthestars @ 2002-05-18T19:11:00

2002-05-18T09:10:11Z

Why do I always place my happiness in the hands of others?
Why does his opinion of me matter so much?
Why can't I be happy alone?

Rough - typed in about 5 minutes so the spelling etc sux.

2002-05-17T13:35:20Z

Wow. we were setting up for mchappy day at work tonite. allison and bec wrapped my phone and put it in with the lucky dip prizes. lovely ross was there too, he's put blue streaks through his hair, it looks so sexy :D Anyway we were just doing our thing and whenever he'd talk to people near me he always looked at me. its probably a coincidence but i can't help it. then he came and sat next to me at the table and went through all my ringtones, then he wrapped my keys and put them in with all the lucky dip prizes. then he wrapped my phone up all pretty with tape and purple um... crepe paper. then nick came along and ripped it off coz he wanted to play bactumi... ross then wrapped bec's mums phone. ah, he's so sweet and he just looks at me and i melt. i went looking for the paper and he followed, whenever i went he came *swoons* then we all chatted. he asked me if i was going into town with them, i kinda avoided it... then everyone else left and it was me, ross, megs and nessy left... so we helped for a bit then Megan said we might as well go. Ross had said to Clintin that he'd go to CBD with him... i smirked a bit about that and Ross said 'what have i gotten myself into?' there was one point when he came to stand behind me and i felt like it would have been so perfect if he could have put his arms around me... we were also talking about Jess Madden - Bec's cousin - who seems to have a think for Ross... apparently she's al 'i'll see you when i see you' etc. we all kinda made fun of her but i felt really stupid at the same time. here i am gushing about him when all he does is joke about it. i mean, yes, there's a 4 year age difference, but still... :( anyway, if anything tonite made me like him more, he would make a joke then look at me... little things that i probably imagined, but that made me feel special. i don't know - it's wishful thinking on my part he really is too good for me... but i guess i'll know more tomorrow... i really like him, ,and he seems so sweet - he also seems to have the same kind of 'annoyance; with people as me. i told him how lisa said him and ty were hot and he was like 'there are so many people here that annoy me' and i was like 'thanks' he said there are lots of nice ones too. i looked away so i don't know if he thinks i heard. Anyway - I better go, write more some other time...

Jemma

chasingthestars @ 2002-04-25T16:58:00

2002-04-25T06:59:36Z

I hate the fact that people are embarassed to be seen with me.
I hate the fact I'm not beautiful enough to make them proud.
I hate the fact I'm not smart enough, or attractive enough, or interesting enough.
I hate the fact my friends are slowly moving away.
I hate the fact everyone is happy and, although they don't mean to, they rub it in.
I hate the fact it's the guys I really like who don't like me.
At the moment, I hate being me.

chasingthestars @ 2002-04-13T16:10:00

2002-04-13T06:10:54Z

I hate that I'm not beautiful. I wish I was. I wish that people would think I was beautiful. I wish he thought I was beautiful.

chasingthestars @ 2002-04-12T22:27:00

2002-04-12T12:28:27Z

I've been at college for awhile now. Slowly I'm starting to feel more comfortable - like I have friends. While I don't claim to be Miss Popularity, I always see people I know to talk to on the way to class and stuff - something I thought would never happen. I don't know - I just feel more comfortable in myself.

Colourquiz...

2002-03-20T07:44:45Z

Your Existing Situation
Imaginative and sensitive; seeking an outlet for these qualities--especially in the company of someone equally sensitive. Interest and enthusiasm are readily aroused by the unusual or the adventurous.

Your Stress Sources
Wishes to be independent, unhampered, and free from any limitation or restriction, other than those which she imposes of herself or by her own choice and decision.

Your Stress Sources
Wishes to be independent, unhampered, and free from any limitation or restriction, other than those which she imposes of herself or by her own choice and decision.

Your Actual Problem
Does not wish to be involved in differences of opinion, contention or argument, preferring to be left in peace.

Color Quiz

chasingthestars @ 2002-03-15T20:40:00

2002-03-15T09:39:44Z

And now here is my secret, a very simple secret;
it is only with the heart one can see rightly,
what is essential is invisible to the eye.
--Antoine de Saint-Exupery

chasingthestars @ 2002-02-08T19:34:00

2002-02-08T08:33:30Z

Why Do I Love You When I Know You're Out Of Reach?

chasingthestars @ 2002-01-30T23:57:00

2002-01-30T13:05:50Z

I worked today, visited Rachel and Brenton... arranged to go to the movies with them tomorrow - to see Lord Of The Rings. I love that movie. :)
I was talking to Hosea. He's so convinced he's a geek or whatever. He's an absolute sweetheart. He has so many things going for him and if he tried I'm sure there are heaps of girls that would wanna be with him. You try arguing with him about that!

I just feel... so frustrated with... everything in my life. My friends, my school, my work - none of it really gives me any joy, any happiness. I just feel like my life is comppletely meaningless and empty... I don't know I can do, or how I can make it better - but I so want to. I need to.

stupid little thing

2002-01-28T13:43:26Z

I always dream you talk of love
But all we will ever be is friends
And you'll leave me behind...
Alone - without you.

chasingthestars @ 2002-01-17T23:49:00

2002-01-17T12:48:47Z

"Admission"
Written by Laura Speidell.

Late at night I think about you.
I can't deny how much I do.
You're there everywhere I look,
I see your face, hear your voice,
Remember the memories from the past...
I miss you so much but I can never cry.
I can never let the tears fall,
Can never falter and show emotion for you.

You're the one I've wanted for so long now,
The one I wanted to give everything to,
The one I needed to sit with
And pour out my soul to,
The only one I needed to hold.

You would have been my shoulder to cry on.
You would have had my arms to fall into
On those days where nothing seems to go as planned.
You would have been the one I gave my heart to.
You would have had to do nothing but smile
To make everything wrong in the world go away.

Why can't we turn back time,
Go back to the place where everything was perfect?
It's all gone wrong now, no explaination on why.
Everything turned around and hit rock bottom.
I wanted to talk to someone about it,
Then I remembered the person I wanted to talk to was you.

You're the one I wanted for so long now,
The one I wanted to give everything to,
The one I needed to sit with
And pour out my soul to,
The only one I needed to hold.

You would have been my shoulder to cry on.
You would have had my arms to fall into
On those days where nothing seems to go as planned.
You would have been the one I gave my heart to.
You would have had to do nothing but smile
To make everything wrong in the world go away.

I tred carefully around you,
Scared you're going to give up on me completely.
You haven't yet and I don't know why.
If you wanted to get rid of me all you'd have to do is say it,
But for some reason you stay silent.
I'm hanging on your words, not wanting to give up.
The past is what keeps me alive, remembering how it once was.
And hoping maybe you'll realize- -
I'm not giving in.

You're the one I've wanted for so long now,
The one I want to give everything to,
The one I need to sit with
And pour out my soul to,
The only one I need to hold.

You can be my shoulder to cry on.
You can have my arms to fall into
On those days where nothing seems to go as planned.
You will be the one I give my heart to.
You don't have to do anything but smile
To make everything wrong in the world go away.

I won't give in,
Won't stop loving you,
Even if you stop loving me.

Taken from HERE.

I Hate... This

2002-01-13T10:07:18Z

I tried to think about other things - and it worked... However I'm still not over James. This girl was sitting next to him, Kristy - and I was jealous. I'm not normally jealous over little stuff - but I wanted to be the one sitting next to him.
I want to be the one he holds in his arms, laughs with, talks with. It's all so cliche - but so true. I hate that he can make me feel this way, and not know... I have to tell him. I have to say something. Next time I see him online... Or in person - if he goes tomorow. Wish me luck...

Another Day In The Life Of Me...

2002-01-12T13:39:33Z

Today was a good day. I finally did something iinstead of sitting on my lazy ass at home. I worked for a while, then went with mum to buy a shelf/chest of drawers thing. Then i found some bathers and went home. Netted for a while then Madeline and Fee turned up. We went to Maccas (Saw James!!) and I got a Sulley (From Monsters Inc.) toy... that was the only reason I wanted to go to Maccas! Came home and had a good talk to Hosea and Bec Mackrill. Yeah, so it was a good day. Didn't do much, but it was positive, and thats what counts - right?
Yeah, talking to Bec made me a little sad, hearing her talk about Matt. I'm not sure if he likes her or not... but he is an absolute sweetheart. made me wish i could have a chance with a guy like him... well, a chance with James... I mean, I know it won't happen, and I've resigned myself to that now... I think I need to get over myself and concentrate on other things... *sigh*

A Questionare...

2002-01-11T12:11:28Z

1. What time is it?: 10:50pm
2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate:Jemma Ann !@#$% :)
3. Nickname(s): Jemma, Gemma, Gem
4. Parents names? Phenton and Jenny
5. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? *Laughs* I didn't get a cake... :P 17
6. Date that you (would) regularly blow them out? 13th of July.
7. Pets: Cody, my dog.
8. Eye color: hazel aka shit brown? hehe
9. Hair color: brown (usually darker than natural coz i always have wax crap in it!!)
10. Piercing: Ears... uper right ear.
11. Tattoos: I would have one - but I'm totally afraid of needles...
12. How much do you love your job? I enjoy the money... and the people :).
13. Favorite color: blue...
14. Hometown: Tasmania
15. Current Residence: Tasmania
16.Favourite food? Italian, Chinese, chicken salad sandwiches (gotta have egg!)
17. Been to Africa? No... maybe one day?
18. Been toilet papering? nope... not my idea of fun..:S
19. Loved somebody so much it made you cry? I don't know if it was coz I loved them, but I've cried over guys, yes.
20. Been in a car accident? no. I hit a bin once!
21. Croutons or bacon bits? croutons. But I have a weird thing about liking bacon bits... go figure - it looks like cat food.
22. Sprite or 7UP? Sprite.
23. Favorite Movie: Lord Of The Rings, *sheepish smile* Pretty Woman, Shakespeare In Love - I'm sure there are more, I just can't think!
24. Favorite Holiday: I want to go to Europe so badly! Sooo much history and beauty!
25. Favorite day of the week: friday. I don't work, it's all laziness ;)
26. Favorite word or phrase: Um... tough one - let me get back to you!
27. Favorite Toothpaste: Colgate Whitening.
28. Favorite Restaurant: Um... any Chinese one... ;)
29. Favorite Drink: Milk!!
30. Favorite sport to watch: Swimming.
31. Favorite Ice Cream: Cookie Dough :) Mint Choc Chip
32. Favorite Sesame Street Character: The worm, slimy.
33. Disney or Warner Bros.? Disney
34. Favorite Fast Food Restaurant: Chinese.
35. What colour is your bedroom carpet? Brown... Ergh.
36. How many times did you fail your drivers test? I haven't been for my P's... but My L's... a few times ;)
37. Who is the last person you got email from before this? Jesse...
38. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? Nope...
39. Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card? Probably Red Herring or somewhere.
40. What do you do most often when you are bored? Chat on messenger, random livejournal, listen to music.
41. Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest? *Thinks* I have NO idea... Um, Amy in WA? I have friends in wierd places but I have no idea where!
42. Most annoying thing people ask me: Your names starts with a 'G' right?
43. Bedtime? When I feel tired...
44. Favorite all time TV show: Punky Brewster, Astro Boy
45. Favorite present TV show: Secret Life Of Us... But it finished :(
46. Last person you went out to dinner with? No one... I don't *go out* to dinner.
47. Last Movie you saw: Lord Of The Rings. *Eliah, Orlando...swoon*
48. Time when you finished: 11:11pm cool time!

Because In My Dreams I Have You - But It's Not The Same...

2002-01-10T06:07:55Z

I had a really good day at work today. I was on dining room and that sucked. But I felt like I belonged. everyone was asking when I was off - counting down for me - not in a yeah you're leaving lets party type way. then when I left everyone was all 'cya Jem' 'bye Jem' i just felt accepted etc. it was nice. And just while I was working people talkin to me and stuff... and all these are people I haven't gone to school with. Even Simon - who thinks he's god's gift to the world asked me when I was off and was talking to me. It was really nice. Anway... all I need now is for James to turn up and profess his undying love etc. *laughs* In my dreams maybe!

The knife's in my heart - wanna give it a twist?

2002-01-10T04:55:23Z

Everyday is a new day
I'm thankful for every breath I take
I won't take it for granted ( I won't take it for granted)
So I learn from my mistakes
It's beyond my control sometimes it's best to let go,
whatever happens in this lifetime
So I trust in love ( So I trust in love )
You have given me peace of mind

I, I feel so alive
For the very first time
I can't deny you
I feel so alive
I, I feel so alive (I feel so alive)
For the very first time( For the very first time)
And I think I can fly

Sunshine upon my face (Sunshine upon my face)
A new song for me to sing
Tell the world how I feel inside
Even though it might cost me everything
Now that I know this is beyond my control
'cause I could never turn my back away
Now that I see you (Now that I see you)
I can never look away

I, I feel so alive
For the very first time
I can't deny you
I feel so alive
I, I feel so alive (I feel so alive)
For the very first time (For the very first time)
And I think I can fly

Now that I know you
I could never turn my back away
And now that I see you
I could never look away
And now that I know you
I could never turn my back away
And now that I see you
I believe no matter what they say

I, I feel so alive
For the very first time
I can't deny you
I feel so alive
I, I feel so alive(I feel so alive)
For the very first time(For the very first time)
And I think I can fly
I, I feel so alive (I feel so alive)
For the very first time(For the very first time)
And I think I can fly
I, I feel so alive (I feel so alive)
For the very first time(For the very first time)
And I think I can fly
And I think I can fly
And I think I can fly

perhaps i was never good enough for you

2002-01-08T05:02:31Z

Will you ever fall in love with me?

Yes... It's me...

2002-01-07T10:28:22Z

James is back. Suddenly he was online this afternoon. I had been looking foward to him coming back... and there he was... and not talking to me. i left it a while, then talked to him - and there was no 'how've your weeks wirthout me been?' or any joking about that... straight into his windsurfing talk. I mean I knew the whole time that I didn't have a chance, I guess it just hurts for it to actually be like this...
She summed it up pretty well... I don't know her or anything, but it makes sense...

Grrr...

2002-01-04T12:39:13Z

I'm not a normal teenager. I have no friends. I've never had a normal relationship... I'm so sick of everything... I've tried to be happy but I can't be happy knowing that I'm not loved. That no one thinks of me as beautiful, or special. I don't know what it is that I'm doing wrong. I'm not overly - anything - yet I feel like I'm a mamoth. maybe its because of all the transitions in my life - changing schools, lost friends for their leaving in grade ten, people moving away for university... I don't know. I hate being left alone with my thoughts like this. I become this pessimistic bitch. I can't stop thinking about my problems and imperfections. The problem is that when I'm alone and shitty are the only times people try to make contact.

I Miss You...

2002-01-04T06:17:42Z

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn?t think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can?t explain.
so would I be out of line if i said,
I miss you(?)

I see your picture,
I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
but already I?m wasting away.

I know I?ll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care.
and, I miss You.

I Love You. I Hate You. Leave Me. Stay.

2002-01-03T11:26:26Z

I hate being left out. I worked to today when everyone was doing something. I fugured they'd call after work to see if I could come. Think again. They don't give a flying fuck. They've just left me to myself. Just like they've done the whole week. Whats the deal? Suddenly I'm like not cool enough or not fun enough or whatever. Well fuck them. They don't want me? Fine. I'll just stay at home and wallow in my msery.
And haven't I felt pathetic this last week. James is having the time of his life... I bet he hasn't thought about me once... and here I am thinking about him. Wishing he was thinking about me. I know it will never happen, but I keep hoping, I keep hurting myself.
Why can't I find someone? Why am I continually alone? What is it about me that turns others away? I don't let others close, and even though they'll confide in me and tell me their feelings I can't seem to connect. I just keep asking questions... I keep listening... I keep hurting...

chasingthestars @ 2001-12-29T23:55:00

2001-12-29T07:11:08Z

I worked today. For two hours. Shitty shift - I know, but I didn't get any shifts this week so when Dan offered I said yes. Anyway, I need the money. I always need money!!!

So... my day was... boring. After work my parents and my brother picked me up and we went on a 'family' outing to the new museum in town. We barely ever do anything like that 1) me and Bob (brother) complain the whole time. 2) My Dad stops to read EVERYTHING. Which is incredibly boring. But we did it anyway, and my parents were both really happy... Bob and I were not so happy - but you get that...
I don't know, I can't be bothered typing.

And with that - she was off!

A first...

2001-12-28T10:21:58Z

I started this journal just moments ago as an outlet. Somewhere I could vent my feelings without being afraid of the prying eyes of my friends. Somewhere I could talk about life, love, hate and pain. However often it is updated doesn't really bother me, only that it is here when I need it. And where to begin?
Unlike most journals I've started I'll talk about myself - even though I may have no readers...
I'm Jemma. I'm 17. I am a shy person, although in the company of friends it is hard to shut me up. I love to listen, I love to talk, I love to feel needed. I've really noticed lately how selfish I am in little ways - in big ways. I hate feeling unwanted - or that someone would rather be in the company of another. Unfortunately for me thats just how things seem to be going lately. Most of my friends have paired up and left me behind. Don't get me wrong - I'm very happy for them, I'm glad they've found someone. I just wish they could feel whats it's like to sit in the dark watching movies with couples around you *shudders* you can picture the rest.
Recently I re-met this guy called James. Re-met because he was a grade above me in school. He does close @ Maccas and lately as I've been staying up late - he comes online after a shift and we talk for hours... I love talking to him, we can talk about anything and althought it sometimes takes awhile to get the conversation started I feel like i could tell him anything. Well, almost anything. just one tiny, little problem - I now like him. He's said some beautiful stuff, and it hasn't been directed at me, but I've felt like it is. He's told me things he hasn't told anyone else and explained his thoughts.The more I hear of him the more I like him. the hardest par tis he is obsessed with windsurfing. That might seem like a small thing but it seems to rule his life. He has even said 'Well I don't think that i would care if i spent the rest of my life without even having a girlfriend then i wouldn't care, cos i love windsufing so much so it is like such a life occupier.
So basically I'm stuck. the more and more unavailable he becomes the more and more I like him. But then I guess I've always gone for the guys I couldn't date. The ones that were 'too cool.' I've just been afraid to get too close I guess...